We create real moments when our outer expression is aligned with our inner truth. But how do we do this? Why is it so hard? And what is our inner truth anyway?
Curious? Read the introduction.
My journey of dressing outside the gender norms turned into a multi-year research project. I'm collecting hundreds of stories and I'm reading thousands of pages. Sometimes, this is deeply satisfying. Sometimes, it is lonely. But: you can support me.
Want to put a smile on my face?
If you really knew me,” says the person in front of me, “you would know that I sing in the shower every single morning. You would also know that I never ever sing in front of others.” A slight smile appears on their face as they turn their head towards the person next to them.
“Okay, let’s see,” the next person says. “If you really knew me, you would know that I have around three great business ideas per year but that I never do anything with them. I would really like to change my job, but I’ll probably keep working as a caregiver until the day I retire.”
“If you really knew me,” says the next person, “you would know that I have only 3% vision in one eye. You would know that I have regular panic attacks because I’m afraid of going blind. I had a really bad one this morning and I almost didn’t make it here because of it.” She slowly looks around and meets the eyes of some of the other people.
It’s the week before the December holidays and I’m visiting Amsterdam to see family and friends. I’ve gathered eight of them around a long table in my favorite Sichuan restaurant in the city. Bright light bulbs are shining through the red paper lanterns that are hanging above us. Two pots of Jasmin tea have just been brought to our table. A few minutes earlier, one of my friends proposed to play a round of “if you really knew me.” The aim of the game is not only to share something that others don’t know about you—it’s to share something that you don’t want them to know. Everyone agreed to the proposal, so here we are, revealing parts of ourselves that we tend to keep out of the light.
“If you would really know me,” the next person goes, “you would know that speaking in front of groups terrifies me. You would know that underneath this grown-up, successful adult that I portray to be, there’s still an insecure, little girl. You would know that I’m scared right now as I’m talking to you and that it’s really hard for me to stay present.” Her eyes water up and her lip starts shaking.
She sits in silence for a moment and finally turns her head towards me. After we take a breath together, she nods, signaling that it’s okay for me to continue. “If you really knew me...” I say hesitantly. Keep reading...
