Safe&free: In Connection

In any relationship (romantic, family, friendship, or work), reactivity can block vulnerable expression and authentic connection. Reactivity means slipping into a pattern of thinking, feeling, and acting without consciously choosing it — often in ways that aren’t helpful.

The drama triangle
Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle describes three common ways of becoming reactive. No model captures everything, but catching yourself when you fall into one of these roles is a great starting point for seeing what you can change in yourself to improve your relationships:

• Persecutor: You blame, criticize, or get angry and judgmental. Your thoughts and actions center on who is “wrong.” Some phrases for this role are: “You’re bad,” “You should,” and “You shouldn’t.” It can also look like self-judgment: “I’m bad/should/shouldn’t.”
• Victim: You feel powerless or mistreated. Your attention goes to what has happened to you. The phrase here is: “Poor me.”
• Rescuer: You work hard to make things better for the other person. Maybe you want to feel needed. Maybe you try to make them feel better as a way to avoid your own discomfort of being around their feelings. Either way, the phrase here is: “Poor you.”

The triangle meets the nervous system
These roles are connected to the unsafe nervous system states that are the focus of weekend 1 (introduced here). Just like your nervous system can shift from one state to another in seconds, you can also move rapidly between these roles. You might feel like a victim one moment, blame someone the next, and then rush in to rescue them from feeling bad about your words.

Here's how the roles and the nervous system states are connected:

• Persecutor → fight/flight
• Victim → collapse
• Rescuer → fawn (also called please or appease)

Stepping out of reactivity
Learning to recognize which nervous system state or drama triangle role you’re in can give you a way out of reactivity. You can learn to notice it, take a pause, and bring your nervous system back to safety — instead of staying caught in the pattern.

Returning to safety
Once feel safe again, qualities like curiosity, compassion, connection, and creativity come back online. From there, it’s easier to move into open, vulnerable communication. This enables a shared exploration of each other’s inner worlds and creates space to get creative about shaping the moment together.

Which is what we’ll explore in step 2.

(Pro-tip: Spotting the drama triangle roles in yourself is powerful. Calling them out in others rarely helps. Their nervous system may be too activated to hear it, which push them further into the state or shift them into another one. Instead, create some space for yourself and return to the conversation later, when both of you feel safer.)

Creating relational safety
Together, you can build a relationship culture that supports both of you in feeling more safe. In such a relationship, you:

• Gently look out for unhelpful behaviors: Instead of blindly falling into reactivity, criticizing, or pulling away, you realize that reactive behaviors are a signal that more safety is needed.
• Return to regulation first: When unsafety takes over for one or both of you, you prioritize coming back to regulation, alone or together, before trying to deal with the “contents” or the situation that caused it.
• Cultivate interdependence: Rather than doing everything alone or becoming overly dependent on each other, you choose what’s right in the moment: look after yourself, offer support, request support from the other, or request it from someone else, like a professional, a friend, or another colleague.

Creating relational permission
When there’s enough safety, you can start creating a culture that offers permission to vulnerably share your inner worlds. That means you:

• Welcome each of your parts. Recognize that each person’s experience is made up of many parts, and each of them is allowed to exist.
• Understand revealing is not reacting. When you build a habit of revealing your parts without the need to act from them, your nervous system slowly becomes less reactive to someone’s parts and more appreciative of them.
• Cultivate curiosity and compassion. The more openness you develop to the other’s inner experience, the more you learn to welcome your own. And the more you can welcome your own parts, the more you can welcome the other’s.
• Separate the now from the past. The more loving kindness you can offer each of your parts, the clearer it becomes how often parts are not responding to the present but to the past. This opens the door to new ways of relating, understanding each other, and healing together.

From perfection to discovery
When you manage to create a culture of safety and permission, you no longer have to show up perfectly. Instead, you can use interactions to discover more of yourself. It becomes a place where you can get to know yourself and each other on a deeper level. When you manage to create this culture, it won’t only exist between you, but also within you. Meaning you have some access to it in other relationships, too.

I’ll explain how to start creating this culture in step 3.

Does all of this sound good in theory, but do you wonder how to actually build this kind of relationship culture and live it—week by week, day by day, moment by moment?

It starts with willingness
For this process to work, everyone involved needs to be on board. You can’t force anyone to do this. If the genuine willingness is there, there are certain things you can learn and practice to make this change happen. Here are some of them:

• Framing: Set intentions and make agreements about how you want to relate — in your relationship as a whole, for a particular evening, or during a specific conversation or interaction.
• Naming: Practice “tracking”: describing your inner experience from moment to moment. This helps you get to know yourself, welcome your inner experience without judging it, and do the same for the other person. It also helps to establish a so-called shared reality.
• Communication structures: Use simple structures to make difficult conversations easier. There are structures for many types of conversations, like: revealing things you’re holding on to, expressing emotions, negotiating desires, discussing what is and isn’t working, voicing appreciation and gratitude, reality-checking your fears, and more.
• Repair: Learn how to repair after something went “wrong.” Once you learn this, the safety of the connection no longer depends on everything going perfectly. Instead, it empowers you to come back together after a rupture. The combination of rupture and healthy repair can often lead to more safety and connection, then if there would have been no rupture at all. This is where true resilience lies and lots of growth happens.

Practice regularly
Once you’ve practiced these skills in a supportive environment, it’s important to practice them regularly. This both develops the skills and creates a habit. It’s helpful to pro-actively create moments to practice them with each other. This can be a weekly check-in conversation with your flatmate or boss, a daily moment of conscious physical contact with your partner, or an annual evaluation of your relationship. Together, you can frame how you can design this moment to create safety and permission for each of you. After, you can reflect on if it’s working for you, and re-negotiate the setup if needed.

Watch it spill over into life
Over time, you’ll get more comfortable using these skills in everyday life. When something challenging comes up, you’ll be able to name it lightly instead of getting reactive — not every time, but more and more. You’ll also learn the importance of naming what is working. Each time you do any of these things in a wholesome way, you add a little more safety and permission for both of you. And in doing so, you slowly steer the ship that is your relationship towards a healthier, more sustainable, and more authentic direction.

I explain some of the theory in the video below.

How do you create freedom & safety within relationships? How can you use nervous system awareness to avoid drama? How do you create a relationship that welcomes and empowers the individuals and their differences? Watch the video. (It helps to watch the first weekend’s video first.)

With 20+ contact hours, the weekend allows for a slow start, a soft landing, and many meaningful experiences in between:

• Fri 28 Nov 2025 (18:30 – 22:00)
  A nurturing evening, focused on landing, connecting, and starting the weekend.
• Sat 29 Nov (10:30 – 22:30)
  Daytime practices/experiences to deeply connect with the theme of this weekend. A less structured evening focussed on connection, co-regulation and/or co-creation. Perhaps an alternative thanksgiving dinner? (Let's decide together!)
• Sun 30 Nov (10:30 – 17:30)
  More practices/experiences to deepen and start integrating the journey in everyday life.

Zoom call

• Tue 16 Dec 2025 (19:30 – 21:30 CET)
  Integration call 👩🏼‍💻
• Tue 13 Jan 2026 (same time)
  Community call 👩🏼‍💻
  For full program participants and those joining weekend 2 and 3.
• Tue 27 Jan 2026 (same time)
  Community call 👩🏼‍💻
  For full program participants and those joining weekend 2 and 3.

Curious?
To spend a weekend with people looking for meaningful connection, sign up or book a free discovery call with Mette.

Practical:

• Group size: 10–20 lovely humans
• Availability: There are still free spots. Join us
• Language: English
• Preparation: When you join, you’ll receive a free copy of part 1 of Mette’s book, which you're invited to read.
• Bring: comfortable, layered clothing, pen&paper, a water bottle, snacks for in between meals—and whatever brings you comfort or joy.

Venue, food, staying over:

• Venue: Karada House, Berlin (listed on google maps as KARA Kulturraum). It's a beautiful, queer, collaborative art space in Berlin Moabit. Photos and accessibility description below.
• Accommodation: It’s possible (and fully optional) to stay at the house on Friday and Saturday night. For €25 per night, you’ll receive a mattress & sheets. You’ll either stay in the workshop space or in another shared space. Limited availability.
• Food: You can bring your own food or go to one of the nearby restaurants during the breaks. Some people will typically eat together.
• Accessibility: There is a ramp and extra bell that can be reached without climbing stairs at the entry. The house has no thresholds. There is an accessible bathroom and shower. The garden can be reached via the garden gate. The only non-accessible parts of the house are the two mezzanines that allow for extra space. There's a parking space available right in front of the door in the backyard. Please get in touch if you require any assistance.
• Pets: You can't bring your super cute doggie. I'm sorry.

Can you picture yourself here?
Sign up or have a book a free discovery call with Mette.

There are many ways to join
Text me on Telegram to ask what might be right for you:

• Discounted spot: €162 – €244
  Available thanks to a generous donation ❤
  Preference for those joining weekends 1+2+3 or 1+2.
  Includes 19% VAT.
• Helper spot: €140 – €250
  Help out with some practical tasks in exchange for a lower price.
• Join this weekend: €325
  Default price for joining a single weekend.
• Join 2 weekends: €305 / weekend
  Includes the weekends and all in-between calls.
• Join 3+ weekends: €290 / weekend
  Price for 3–5 weekends.
• Not sure what to choose?
  There are many ways to make this work. Just text me on Telegram or book a call, and we’ll probably figure something out together :)

What you’ll get for this
Each weekend includes:

• 20+ contact hours in person
• A two-hour follow-up call on Zoom
• Early access to part 1 of Mette’s book.
• Ongoing peer support and connection in the Telegram Group
• A committed group of peers who prioritize growth and connection.

Pay in installments
It's possible to pay in installments. This brings more risk and administration on my side, so it costs a little more:

• Pay in 2 installments: 1.5% fee
• Pay in 3 installments: 3% fee

Make your choice
You can indicate your price preference in the signup form. Priority for helper spots and scholarships is given to those facing challenging situations or with marginalized identities. Unsure what to do? Book a call call or message me on Telegram.

Mette Koppelaar (1984, they/he)
Facilitates weekends:  1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

I see authentic self-expression as a doorway to welcoming all parts of myself, building deeper connection, and shaping a more loving world. It helps to:

• Let go of unhealthy coping mechanisms.
• Rely less on consumption to feel good.
• Be open to connecting with a broader range of people.
• Discover meaning in everyday life.

As a facilitator, I create spaces where people from diverse identities can be true to themselves, build trust, and contribute to a culture of freedom and care. I use frameworks like:

• Polyvagal Theory
• Wheel of Consent
• Internal Family Systems
• Nonviolent Communication
• Diamond Approach
• Buddhism

My approach is simple: when there’s enough outer safety and permission to express yourself, you’ll meet the edges of your inner safety and permission. Having positive experiences at your edges, you can slowly become more comfortable with a wider range of expression. Over time, this allows you to reveal more of yourself in more areas of life.

My lens and ambition

I was born in Amsterdam in 1984. I’m white, able-bodied, middle-class, and gender nonconforming, using they/them or he/him pronouns. I grew up with safety and stability, with parents who spent years in group therapy before I was born. I haven’t faced war or poverty, and my passport allows me to travel freely—privileges I’m increasingly aware of.

At the same time, dressing outside gender norms has shown me what it’s like to not always feel safe on the street. Research, book interviews, and many personal conversations have deepened my understanding of societal oppression—especially for those whose identities are most targeted.

What began as a search for personal freedom has turned into a deep longing for a free, just, and equal world. It’s what I strive to contribute to in my work and daily life—one real moment at a time.

Connect with me
Book a free call, join my mailing list, Telegram channel, or Instagram — or watch some of the videos below this photo:

Watch me talk

Why I created Ambassadors For Humanity:

How dressing outside the norm led me to do this work:

Christa Cocciole (1970, she/her)
Co-facilitates weekends:  2 / 3 / 4 / 5

“I’m a Berlin-based Systemic and Trauma Therapist. I’ve been walking with people through moments of deep change for more than thirty years. My roots are in movement: dancing, choreographing, and listening to the quiet wisdom of the body. Over time, this grew into a way of working that I call Radical Presence — moving with playful compassion.

I believe the body remembers, and that those memories capture both our wounds and ways forward. As a facilitator, my role is to create spaces where people can meet themselves fully, even in the discomfort of transformation, and discover the resilience and creativity already alive within them.

My journey has taken me from reconciliation work during the war in Bosnia to psychiatric hospitals and grassroots collectives. Along the way, I’ve co-founded spaces like Ponderosa, Gut Stolzenhagen, and k77 Studio. They're places where connection, care, and embodied social justice are not just ideas, but lived experiences.

As a white-presenting BIPOC cis woman, I am committed to questions of belonging, equity, and repair. I see my work as midwifing what is ready to be born—whether in individuals, communities, or systems—and helping release what is no longer needed, so something new can take root.”

Anna Schmidbauer (1989, she/her)
Co-facilitates weekends:  1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

“With my earliest professional roots in social work, I have dedicated 15 years of my life to working with children and teenagers. Learning and deepening most of my current work ethics through and with them, I have offered creative conflict resolution camps out in the wilderness, democracy camps, Czech-German youth exchanges as well as early childhood rhythmic education. I have worked in juvenile detention as well as in Waldorf kindergarten. This wide range of fields has informed and shaped me deeply.

Later, when I started a new professional chapter with being trained in the Pantarei Approach, I realized that the aspects which fascinated me most about the work with children, were also the key elements that unlocked fertile and fruitful processes in the somatic coaching processes of my clients.

Believing in the power of our heartfelt visions and dreams, I am now supporting entrepreneurs who wish their work to be a holistic, just and sustainable contribution and possible solution to some of today’s pressing issues. One of my main goals in this work is to support my clients and their bodies in offering what is most meaningful to them, without setting themselves up for burnout.

I believe in the courageous act of unlocking innocence, play, expression, fascination, excitement, honesty and hope - qualities I have seen and immersed myself in in their purest form in my work with children. When those qualities are allowed to be part of our healing work, of much needed activism and new work models, there’s the potential to experience them beyond the real risk of them being ‘fluffy love and light’ escape strategies.

I’m grateful and joyful to be part of the upcoming Ambassadors for Humanity journey, and look forward to us researching and weaving together.”

You’re so welcome to join us ❤

• Join this weekend (or up to 4 weekends):
  Weekend signup form
• Join the 6-month program:
  Full program signup form
• Can’t choose?
  Book a discovery call (with Mette)

If you can, please sign up early — it gives you time to prepare (mentally) and tells us who to expect.

“It’s really not that cold!”
– some annoying person who jumped in the water before you

Many people spiral back and forth between yes and no. But not all spirals are the same. Here are two types of doubts people tell me about:

1. Actual life concerns:

• “I have wayyyyy too many things going on. Adding something will send me straight into a burnout.”
• “I know it’s not the right time, but I fear this is my last chance! ”
• “I'm really low on cash, and spending more money will affect my ability to pay rent or buy food.”

If this is you, then now is probably not the best time to join. (Maybe read about nervous system regulation through shaking on my Telegram.)

2. Fear of doing something new:

• “Part of me is excited! But I’m also a little afraid”
• “I have little experience in these spaces — and I fear I’ll be the only one.”
• “I don’t yet know anyone there — and I fear I’ll feel awkward or alone.”

If this is you, it’s what I call “normal” fear or resistance. So, at the risk of sounding persuasive, here’s my take on it:

• You won’t be the only inexperienced one. Most participants don’t yet know each other. Rather, we all start to form a deep bond over the course of experience. That’s the beauty!
• Many people have these kinds of fears — especially the first time. In fact, it’s almost prerequisite for joining because it shows you’re on your edge of growth.
• Sometimes, it’s helpful to stop overthinking, remember that you can always leave, and take a leap of faith. Often, the annoying person turned out to be right: the water really isn’t that cold.

Break the spiral by having a chat with me on Zoom. I promise it won't be a sales call. In 15-20 minutes, you’ll likely find more clarity than after days of thinking about it. We can talk about the retreat, a specific challenge in your life, or simply make small-talk and have a laugh.

Look into my calendar and book a call

Or read about

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Free, online gatherings to:

• Decide if you want to join the actual program
• Start building group energy
• Share your voice, ask questions, and let your voice influence the program

There’s one call left:

Each call contains an educational part which shows what to expect from the program & some actual interactive experiences.

• Tue 14 Oct 2025 (19:30–21:30 CET, zoom)
  Join this Orientation Call

This weekend belongs to Ambassadors For Humanity.

There are four more weekends
...which can be joined separately:

• 31 Oct – 2 Nov 2025
  Safe & free within yourself
  Check out weekend 1
• 28–30 Nov 2025
  Safe & free in connection
  Weekend you’re currently looking at
• 6–8 Feb 2026
  Safe & free in community
  Check out weekend 3
• 6–8 Mar 2026
  Envision your path
  Check out weekend 4
• 10–12 Apr 2026
  Embody your vision
  Check out weekend 5

Not this time?

Check out all my events, follow me on Telegram, Instagram, or Facebook.

Or join the mailing list:

The following values are the foundation for all my work. If these don't resonate with you, then we may not be a match. Of course, these values are always a work in progress. If something about them doesn’t feel right, or if you have ideas for improvement, I would love to hear from you. Message me on Telegram or through the contact form.

If it ever feels like I or any of the team members don't live up to these values, I would love for you to tell me.

1. Authenticity: Everyone's invited to verbally, physically, and emotionally express themselves. We can play with our expression without justifying ourselves, yet we strive to do so in a way that’s considerate of other people.

2. Inclusivity: We welcome all identities and personal backgrounds. We try to notice the judgments and assumptions we make about others, and question racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, or other discriminatory beliefs or behavior.

3. Consent: We respect each other's space, stuff, boundaries and privacy. We share a responsibility to create a safe environment for ourselves as well as for others.

4. Confidentiality: We don’t share about other people’s experiences. We don’t comment on other people’s experiences without their consent.

5. Self and group responsibility: We try to be aware of the ways in which we take up space and strive to contribute to the safety of the group. We’re all responsible for our own physical and emotional needs.

6. No sex or romance with team members: Team members don't share arousal, sexual energy, or romance with participants. (We might like to share hugs or other forms of touch though!)

7. No intoxication: We don't consume drugs and alcohol during or before the event, and limit the use of phones/devices in public spaces.

Not all experiences in these kinds of spaces are pleasant—even when everyone tries to do things right.

If you have an unpleasant experience with a team member or fellow participant, I encourage you to reach out to them directly. Alternatively, you're very welcome to contact me (Mette) via Telegram or the contact form, or to contact any other team member. We may be able to support you. We won’t take any action without your consent.

If you have an unpleasant experience with me (Mette), you're invited to reach out to me directly, contact another team member, or approach my accountability partner Anouk Bongers. She won't communicate with me unless you consent to it. You can find her contact details here.

It may take time to process certain experiences. Sometimes months or years. The offer above remains valid. There’s no such thing as reaching out too late.

Sadly, it’s much easier to make a decent living by working for companies that harm the planet or fuel inequality than it is trying to contribute to a better world.

Since sustainable event prices are often perceived as expensive or “commercial”, I like to be transparent about how the prices were calculated, so you can get a sense of how this works from my side.

The price calculation:

1. I aim to work 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. Out of those hours, roughly 40% of my time goes into things like admin, general promotion, and other general tasks. This means I have around 24 hours per workweek to make my income.
2. On a yearly basis, I have to account for vacation, sick days, public holidays, festivals where I work for free to make a name for myself, and the time I spend on training that lets me do this work in a responsible, trauma-informed way. Which leaves me with around 38 work weeks per year.
3. This means I have to make my entire annual income in 24 x 38 = 912 hours per year, or 76 hours per month.
4. I spend at least 460 hours on one edition of this program:
• 145+ hours of preparation: developing the program; promotion; venue communication; setting up a team; handling signups and cancellations; chasing payments; communicating with participants, helpers, team members, and the venue; shopping; and many more small tasks.
• 275+ hours for preparing and facilitating the actual five weekends
• 40+ hours for preparing and hosting the online calls
5. Besides the time investment, I spend money on overhead costs for my business, renting the venue, paying team members, and buying materials I need for running the program. Depending on how signups are going, I might have to spend money on online promotion, printing flyers, etc.
6. Now, to earn the median salary for someone my age (41) in this part of the world, I have to generate a shocking €104 for each hour that I work on this program (excluding VAT). To achieve this, I would need to have 20 signups for an average of €3.450 per participant, or €690 per weekend (including VAT).
7. To make this program more inclusive, I've lowered my salary to one third (!) of the median, which reduces the average price to €1.850 per person including VAT, which means I rely on additional donations to make it work. It also means that for everyone paying less, there needs to be someone paying more.
8. While this enables more people to come to the event, the impact on me is that I have a very low salary and very little security: I basically cut out all of my safety nets. I don't save money, I don't save up for a pension, and I don't have disability insurance. This works as long as I'm healthy, have access to cheap housing, and don't have kids or anyone else to care for. But it offers very little security—now and later in life—and I would be properly screwed whenever I have any medical challenges.

So, it's complicated...

Bravo if you made it to the end of this. If you want to share your reflections (or make a donation), feel free to message me on Telegram or through the contact form.

Or go back up to the pricing options.